From My InBox:
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!
Friday, July 17, 2009
The good old days
From My InBox:
For all us " elder" statesmen and women, who as present or former airline folks, pilot wannabees, Boeing 707 afficionados, this is worth passing on.
In the Age of the 707....
Those were the good ole days. Pilots back then were men that didn't want to be women or girly men. Pilots all knew who Jimmy Doolittle was. Pilots drank coffee, whiskey, smoked cigars and didn't wear digital watches.
They carried their own suitcases and brain bags like the real men that they were. Pilots didn't bend over into the crash position multiple times each day in front of the passengers at security so that some Gov't agent could probe for tweezers or fingernail clippers or too much toothpaste.
Pilots did not go through the terminal impersonating a caddy pulling a bunch of golf clubs, computers, guitars, and feed bags full of tofu and granola on a sissy-trailer with no hat and granny glasses hanging on a pink string around their pencil neck while talking to their personal trainer on the cell phone!!!
Being an Airline Captain was as good as being the King in a Mel Brooks movie. All the Stewardesses (aka. Flight Attendants) were young, attractive, single women that were proud to be combatants in the sexual revolution. They didn't have to turn sideways, grease up and suck it in to get through the cockpit door. They would blush and say thank you when told that they looked good, instead of filing a sexual harassment claim. Junior Stewardesses shared a room and talked about men.... with no thoughts of substitution.
Passengers wore nice clothes and were polite, they could speak AND understand English. They didn't speak gibberish or listen to loud gangsta rap on their iPods. They bathed and didn't smell like a rotting pile of garbage in a jogging suit and flip-flops. Children didn't travel alone, commuting between trailer parks. There were no Mongol hordes asking for a seatbelt extension, or a Scotch and grapefruit juice cocktail with a twist.
If the Captain wanted to throw some offensive, ranting jerk off the airplane, it was done without any worries of a lawsuit or getting fired.
Axial flow engines crackled with the sound of freedom and left an impressive black smoke trail like a locomotive burning soft coal. Jet fuel was cheap and once the throttles were pushed up they were left there, after all it was the jet age and the idea was to go fast (run like a lizard on a hardwood floor). Economy cruise was something in the performance book, but no one knew why or where it was. When the clacker went off no one got all tight and scared because Boeing built it out of iron, nothing was going to fall off and that sound had the same effect on real pilots then as Viagra does now for those new age guys.
There was very little plastic and no composites on the airplanes or the Stewardesses' pectoral regions. Airplanes and women had eye pleasing symmetrical curves, not a bunch of ugly vortex generators, ventral fins, winglets, flow diverters, tattoos, rings in their nose, tongues and eyebrows.
Airlines were run by men like C.R. Smith, Bob Six and Juan Trippe who had built their companies virtually from scratch, knew many of their employees by name and were lifetime airline employees themselves. . . not pseudo financiers and bean counters who flit from one occupation to another for a few bucks, a better parachute or a fancier title, while fervently believing that they are a class of beings unto themselves.
And so it was back then....and never will be again!
For all us " elder" statesmen and women, who as present or former airline folks, pilot wannabees, Boeing 707 afficionados, this is worth passing on.
In the Age of the 707....
Those were the good ole days. Pilots back then were men that didn't want to be women or girly men. Pilots all knew who Jimmy Doolittle was. Pilots drank coffee, whiskey, smoked cigars and didn't wear digital watches.
They carried their own suitcases and brain bags like the real men that they were. Pilots didn't bend over into the crash position multiple times each day in front of the passengers at security so that some Gov't agent could probe for tweezers or fingernail clippers or too much toothpaste.
Pilots did not go through the terminal impersonating a caddy pulling a bunch of golf clubs, computers, guitars, and feed bags full of tofu and granola on a sissy-trailer with no hat and granny glasses hanging on a pink string around their pencil neck while talking to their personal trainer on the cell phone!!!
Being an Airline Captain was as good as being the King in a Mel Brooks movie. All the Stewardesses (aka. Flight Attendants) were young, attractive, single women that were proud to be combatants in the sexual revolution. They didn't have to turn sideways, grease up and suck it in to get through the cockpit door. They would blush and say thank you when told that they looked good, instead of filing a sexual harassment claim. Junior Stewardesses shared a room and talked about men.... with no thoughts of substitution.
Passengers wore nice clothes and were polite, they could speak AND understand English. They didn't speak gibberish or listen to loud gangsta rap on their iPods. They bathed and didn't smell like a rotting pile of garbage in a jogging suit and flip-flops. Children didn't travel alone, commuting between trailer parks. There were no Mongol hordes asking for a seatbelt extension, or a Scotch and grapefruit juice cocktail with a twist.
If the Captain wanted to throw some offensive, ranting jerk off the airplane, it was done without any worries of a lawsuit or getting fired.
Axial flow engines crackled with the sound of freedom and left an impressive black smoke trail like a locomotive burning soft coal. Jet fuel was cheap and once the throttles were pushed up they were left there, after all it was the jet age and the idea was to go fast (run like a lizard on a hardwood floor). Economy cruise was something in the performance book, but no one knew why or where it was. When the clacker went off no one got all tight and scared because Boeing built it out of iron, nothing was going to fall off and that sound had the same effect on real pilots then as Viagra does now for those new age guys.
There was very little plastic and no composites on the airplanes or the Stewardesses' pectoral regions. Airplanes and women had eye pleasing symmetrical curves, not a bunch of ugly vortex generators, ventral fins, winglets, flow diverters, tattoos, rings in their nose, tongues and eyebrows.
Airlines were run by men like C.R. Smith, Bob Six and Juan Trippe who had built their companies virtually from scratch, knew many of their employees by name and were lifetime airline employees themselves. . . not pseudo financiers and bean counters who flit from one occupation to another for a few bucks, a better parachute or a fancier title, while fervently believing that they are a class of beings unto themselves.
And so it was back then....and never will be again!
Racists
I have read this email about Tommy Hilfiger making racist comments on Oprah Winfrey Show many years before. According to Snopes, it is not true.
===============================================================================
From My InBox:
I’m sure many of you watched the recent taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show
where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the
statements about race he was accused of saying were true.
Statements like ... *“If I’d known
African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I
WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my
clothes, as they are made for upper class white people.”*
Tommy Hilfiger’s answer to Oprah was a simple *“YES.”* There after Oprah
immediately asked him to leave her show.
SUGGESTIONS:
(a) Don’t buy your next shirt or perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Let’s give
him what he asked for. Let’s not buy his clothes, let’s put him in a
financial state where he
himself will not be able to afford the ridiculous prices he puts on his
clothes. BOYCOTT. PLEASE SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW.
(b) Then send it to the whole community that’s not white people and see
the result. We have to see the result of unity. Let’s find out if NON-WHITES
really play such a small part in the world. Stop buying any range of their
(Tommy HILFIGER etc) products, perfumes, cosmetics, clothes, bags, etc..
===============================================================================
From My InBox:
I’m sure many of you watched the recent taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show
where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the
statements about race he was accused of saying were true.
Statements like ... *“If I’d known
African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I
WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my
clothes, as they are made for upper class white people.”*
Tommy Hilfiger’s answer to Oprah was a simple *“YES.”* There after Oprah
immediately asked him to leave her show.
SUGGESTIONS:
(a) Don’t buy your next shirt or perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Let’s give
him what he asked for. Let’s not buy his clothes, let’s put him in a
financial state where he
himself will not be able to afford the ridiculous prices he puts on his
clothes. BOYCOTT. PLEASE SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW.
(b) Then send it to the whole community that’s not white people and see
the result. We have to see the result of unity. Let’s find out if NON-WHITES
really play such a small part in the world. Stop buying any range of their
(Tommy HILFIGER etc) products, perfumes, cosmetics, clothes, bags, etc..
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
10 TOP REASONS TO SMILE!
Dr Mark Stibich did post this article on the following link:
http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm
==================================================================
From My InBox:
10 TOP REASONS TO SMILE!
1. Smiling Makes You Attractive.
We are drawn to people who smile.
There is an instant attraction.
We want to know them.
2. Smiling Changes Your Mood.
Next time you are feeling down,
Try putting on a smile.
Smiling can trick the body.
3. Smiling is Contagious.
Smiling brings happiness to you.
Smile lots. You will lighten up a room
And draw people to you like a magnet.
4. Smiling Relieves Stress.
When you are stressed, put on a smile.
The stress should be reduced and
You'll be able to take action.
5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System.
Your immune function improves
Because you are more relaxed.
Prevent flu and colds by smiling.
6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When smiling there is a measurable
Reduction in your blood pressure.
Smile and you'll see.
7. Smiling Releases Endorphins,
Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases
These three and makes us feel good.
Smiling is a natural drug.
8. Smiling Makes You Look Younger
The muscles used to smile lift the face.
Don't go for a face lift, just try
Smiling your way through the day.
9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful.
Smiling people appear more confident,
Are more likely to be promoted, and
More likely to be approached.
10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive.
Smile. Now try to think of something
Negative without losing the smile.
It's hard. When we smile our body is
Sending the rest of us a message that
"Life is Good!" Stay away from depression,
Stress and worry by smiling.
~~Mark Stibich, Ph.D.~~
http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongbeauty/tp/smiling.htm
==================================================================
From My InBox:
10 TOP REASONS TO SMILE!
1. Smiling Makes You Attractive.
We are drawn to people who smile.
There is an instant attraction.
We want to know them.
2. Smiling Changes Your Mood.
Next time you are feeling down,
Try putting on a smile.
Smiling can trick the body.
3. Smiling is Contagious.
Smiling brings happiness to you.
Smile lots. You will lighten up a room
And draw people to you like a magnet.
4. Smiling Relieves Stress.
When you are stressed, put on a smile.
The stress should be reduced and
You'll be able to take action.
5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System.
Your immune function improves
Because you are more relaxed.
Prevent flu and colds by smiling.
6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When smiling there is a measurable
Reduction in your blood pressure.
Smile and you'll see.
7. Smiling Releases Endorphins,
Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases
These three and makes us feel good.
Smiling is a natural drug.
8. Smiling Makes You Look Younger
The muscles used to smile lift the face.
Don't go for a face lift, just try
Smiling your way through the day.
9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful.
Smiling people appear more confident,
Are more likely to be promoted, and
More likely to be approached.
10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive.
Smile. Now try to think of something
Negative without losing the smile.
It's hard. When we smile our body is
Sending the rest of us a message that
"Life is Good!" Stay away from depression,
Stress and worry by smiling.
~~Mark Stibich, Ph.D.~~
USED VS. LOVED
From My InBox:
While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . . Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life.....
Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved...During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be yourself......This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day and Best regards
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder..God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not PROTECT you.....Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL.
While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . . Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life.....
Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved...During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be yourself......This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day and Best regards
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder..God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not PROTECT you.....Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL.
Ah Beng Jokes
From My InBox:
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh, GOD! You have come again.
===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house."
Police: "Why, the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news."
=========================================
Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole, "Thanks for compliment."
=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.
===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.
==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'you will go to jail'
=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh, GOD! You have come again.
===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house."
Police: "Why, the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news."
=========================================
Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole, "Thanks for compliment."
=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.
===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.
==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'you will go to jail'
=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
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